I'm feeling mighty generous in spirit in my moment of backyard zen, so thought I'd take it upon myself to provide directions for you on how to enjoy a peaceful relaxing vacation at a northern Minnesota lake.
A word on attire. It's important to be come prepared for your lake vacation. Be sure to pack your swimsuit and a sweatshirt or two, cause the weather has a tendency to change. You should also bring a hat, because you will look like a sissy if you bring a flattening iron or a blow dryer, but you will want something to hide those bad hair days. I didn't have one, but luckily Rocky bought us these hats when he went into town. I think we look adorable, and slightly deranged. You can't tell from the picture, but I am also wearing shorts, a t-shirt, and a plaid flannel shirt. Don't judge.
First things first. Upon a arrival, you should grab a cold beverage and head immediately to the lake. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Unless its sitting right there. Remove your sandals when you approach the dock, and put those toesies in. Sigh loudly. Aaaaaah. Like that. Doesn't that feel good? Sure your toes might get chilly, but suck it up. They will go numb soon, and you won't even notice when the bass try to tickle you. You will be immune to ticklishness. Temporarily.
Sooner or later, you will have`to eat. If you don't have a personal chef, that means you will also have to cook. For moments like these, I recommend corn on the cob, on the grill. It is delicious and simple, and if you make a chili lime honey sauce, it will be even more super delicious. I used the juice of one fresh lime, a few tablespoons of honey, and a generous shaking of chili powder. Mix ingredients and add to taste until it is the perfect mix of spicy, sweet, tangy, and you want to bathe in it. Just kidding on that last one. It'd be mighty sticky.
After this, you may need another break, so you should probably head down to the lake again. Bring the dog for protection from possible dangerous purple otter attacks. It probably won't happen. Probably. Don't be afraid. You have the dog there to bark maniacally and run for help, just in case. (You didn't think he'd actually stop the otter, did you? You're funny. We should totally hang out.)
For a different vantage point, you should sit on this tractor seat stump chair. I want one. I sat there for a while, to observe the lake, and to practice what it would be like to drive a tractor. I'm totally going to be an expert now.
OK, now here's an important step. Critical to enjoyment of your vacation. Pay attention. Watch the sun set over the lake. What do you mean, that's it?! It'll be amazing. I promise. Unless it's raining at the time, in which case you should go inside and play the games you brought in case it rained. You did remember the games? Well, then I hope you brought a book, or else you'll be staring out the window for an awfully long spell if it rains.
You"ll be eating well, so be sure to do some active things. Like kayak across the lake and back. Sure you'll be sore the next day, but at least your pants will still fit. Plus you might see some cool things while you're out there. Remember to call dibs on the blue kayak, or you'll get stuck with the green one. Even though they're exactly the same. (At least that's what I told myself, so I wouldn't be a sore loser.)
You will probably see water lilies, which you may think are stunningly beautiful. Until you paddle up to the millionth one, in which case, you will still like them OK, but they will start to seem a little less exciting. You may sarcastically tell your best friend, "Dude, don't bother to point them out anymore, unless you see one stand up and do a disco dance." In which case, you will deserve it if she says "Snap-pish".
You may take a picture of her as your water lily background anyway. And she won't see it until she reads your blog. IF she reads your blog. No, I'm actually not mean. I just think your best friend should care about everything you say.
Let's talk about fish. You should catch some and eat them because they are delicious. Fresh walleye and sunfish are my favorites. They are like nature's candy. Maybe not candy exactly, but equally delicious. Nature's meat? Forget it, you get the idea. Yummmm!!!!!
OK, you must cap your evenings off with a campfire. Why? I don't know. I don't make the rules, I just follow them. (Pause for effect.)
Well thanks for joining me cyber-ly (<is that a word?) at the the lake. Feel free to join me for realsies (also not a word) next time. I hope you have learned all sorts of super helpful facts from my tips. (Though realistically you learned more from the Discovery Channel special "Flight of the Monarchs- part 2") Perhaps I should offer to travel with people and narrate their journeys? Nope, that'd probably annoy them. So instead, I'll happily keep my day job, and enjoy the occasional vacation up north among the pine trees and the shooting stars.
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